Tools to Build Self-Awareness
What is self-awareness and why is it so important?
Self-awareness is a term that is bandied about with little or no explanation of what it is, or of what tools we can use to build self-awareness. When I talk about self-awareness, I mean our ability to see our limits and to flex how we see the world accordingly, so that we can choose different behaviours and achieve different results. Without self-awareness, there is no long-term sustainable change.
When a client comes to me for coaching, typically it’s because something has made them aware of their limits. They feel stuck. Their previous habits and behaviours are no longer serving them. Almost without exception, the need to build their self-awareness comes to light.
Claire (not her real name) was not being offered the promotion she felt she deserved. She’d been told she was too abrupt and didn’t listen to people fully. As we worked together in our coaching sessions, and her self-awareness started to build, Claire began to see that her enthusiasm, and her passion – which sometimes led her to interrupt others and to rush in with solutions that were helpful in her mind – were not always well received.
Our coaching sessions became tools for Claire to build her self-awareness, where I was able to hold up a mirror to her, showing how her actions might not have the consequences that she intended. She was able to use that growing self-awareness to identify how she could improve her listening skills and started to receive great feedback on how heard her team now felt.
The way we see the world is not the way the world is. In fact, there is no one way that the world is, and nearly everything is subject to interpretation. Claire was able – using the right tools to build her self-awareness – to see that her actions didn’t always reflect her intentions.
Our way of seeing the world is not wrong. It is absolutely valid. But it is only one viewpoint, unique to each of us. And that viewpoint has limits, blinkers that narrow down our experience and our understanding of life. Expanding that viewpoint is one of the outcomes of developing self-awareness.
Working with a coach, either one to one or as part of a coaching group, is a powerful tool to build self-awareness, but there are a couple of things you can do without coaching to start to improve.
Tool #1 to build self-awareness
A useful tool to build self-awareness is to dig into the work on Ego States by Eric Berne, as set out in his book, Games People Play.
Berne says that all of us visit several Ego States all the time. You may recognise their names from other articles you’ve read – Parent, Adult, Child.
Now, all Ego States are valid, and they all have advantages and disadvantages, but building your self-awareness to know which one you are in at any moment in time can be incredibly useful. Building your self-awareness is a powerful tool that will also help you identify what may trigger you to move from one Ego State to another.
To bring Berne’s theory to life, think of a relationship that isn’t where you’d like it to be currently. It can be at work or in your personal life. Ideally, it should be a relationship that is important to you.
Reflect on how you would like it to improve, and what value that would add to your life.
Make a note of your thoughts before continuing.
Berne sets out five Ego States, which I summarise below.
Critical Parent
This is the Ego State where we take charge and tell people what to do. We may point our finger, frown or raise our voice. We may use words such as ‘should’, ‘ought to’ and ‘must’. Generally, when we are here, we are feeling angry or judgemental.
There are times when a Critical Parent Ego State is highly valuable, such as when there is an emergency or a crisis.
And there are times when it is not, such as when we are trying to support someone or encourage them to open up.
Nurturing Parent
There will also be times when we notice ourselves in the Nurturing Parent Ego State.
When we are here, we may lean forward, smile, or touch someone’s arm. We’ll use encouraging, supportive language.
When the other person is unsure or anxious, the Nurturing Parent Ego State may be exactly what they need. There are times, though, when it can be stifling, and patronising and may even stunt people’s development.
Those of you with a tendency to rescue others will recognise this Ego State all too easily! It’s one that many coaches can slip into when they are first learning their trade.
Adapted (Compliant) Child
Berne also describes two childlike Ego States, the first of which is the Adapted (or Compliant) Child.
When you are in this Ego State, you may find yourself apologising a lot, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. You may look down, mumble or have a slumped posture.
In a situation where compliance is essential, the Adapted Child Ego State is exactly where we need to be. However, it stifles all creativity or contribution and can be a very frustrating place.
Those of us with a tendency to be the Good Girl or Boy, or who have a perfectionist streak will recognise this Ego State. And we may also recognise that there is a passive-aggressive part of us that wants to rebel, to push back. We may find ourselves complaining to others or being deliberately difficult.
Free (Wild) Child
The second child Ego State we may find ourselves in is the Free (Wild) Child.
When we are here, we may feel excited, free, and unrestrained. We may find ourselves moving and speaking quickly, laughing with high energy.
This is the perfect Ego State for creative activities, but less useful when there is a fixed process that needs to be followed. It can cause chaos and confusion.
Adult
The last Ego State is that of the Adult. When we are here, we are calm, collected and neutral. We are logical and structured. We are open-minded and non-judgemental. Berne is not saying that this is where we should be all the time. It is no more valuable than the other Ego States.
Becoming aware of our ruts and grooves by building our self-awareness
Whilst this is a tool that is best used to become aware of our own Ego State, it’s important to recognise that our own Ego State will be impacted by the other person and vice versa. This is key in building our self-awareness and being able to choose behaviour that will give us different results.
So, if someone speaks to you and you feel they are speaking from a Parent Ego State, it’s highly likely you will respond from a Child Ego State. If it feels to you that they are speaking from a Child Ego State, you may well find yourself flipped into a Parent Ego State.
These ruts and grooves will have built up over time and can be very hard to get out of. There is a certain comfort in knowing how another person will respond, even if that response is unhelpful.
Ground Rules for Using the Tool to build self-awareness
We must remember the following when we use this tool:
- We all visit all five Ego States
- All Ego States are equally valid and valuable
- This tool is to build our self-awareness only – we cannot know which Ego State someone else is in (although it can be fun to guess!) and it is unhelpful to tell them where you think they are hanging out
- When a relationship works well, you will dance around all the Ego States. This tool’s value in building self-awareness comes when applied to unsatisfactory relationships.
Using the Tool
Think back to the relationship that came to your mind earlier when I talked about a relationship that needs a little effort.
Think back to the last conversation you had, to some of the things that were said. Reflect on what emotions you experienced, the language you used, your tone of voice, your posture etc.
From the evidence you’ve gathered, which Ego State was it that you were most likely to be in?
Then reflect on the impact of the Ego State you were in.
I’m going to use a personal (historical) example to illustrate the use of the tool, and that’s my relationship with my ex! My last conversation with my ex was about George Floyd, and I found myself shouting!
The fact that I was shouting makes it clear I wasn’t in an Adult Ego State!
Think back to what the other person said and how they said it. What Ego State might they have been in?
Remember that you can never know and you can never hope to change their Ego State anyway. All you can change is yourself. That’s the downside to building your self-awareness!
I remember that my ex used a lot of words like “should” and “ought to”. So, he was probably in Critical Parent. I definitely wasn’t an Adapted Child because I wasn’t at all compliant. I was a Wild Child.
My Ego State of Wild Child probably drove him even more into Critical Parent. It made it impossible for me to help him see alternative viewpoints and may well have left him feeling unheard and me feeling enraged and impotent.
Having gone through the steps of identifying what Ego State you were in, and recognising the impact that this Ego State would be having on the relationship, the final step in building your self-awarenss is to bring yourself to the Adult Ego State. This isn’t because it is any better than the other Ego States, but rather because this is where relationships can be improved. It is a way of lifting yourself out of the ruts you have created.
You can move into Adult by changing your language, and your body movements and by not letting your emotions take charge.
So, in my example, I could have stopped shouting and spoken in a quiet, even tone of voice instead. I could have asked an open question, such as “Help me understand what you’re seeing that I’m missing”.
Make a note of your reflections and observations. How could you change your behaviour to move into an Adult Ego State?
What one or two simple things could you change next time you interact with the other person in this challenging relationship? How will you remember?
It won’t be easy. You may well have been creating the relationship ruts that you are in for years. But building your self-awareness will help you to notice when you slip out of Adult and to self-correct in the moment.
Tool #2 to build self-awareness
It’s hard to build self-awareness, but there are a few things you can do to help.
Building it little by little over time is really the only way to make sustainable change. No one builds self-awareness overnight. It’s a gradual process.
Having an accountability partner by your side is also a big help. Remember: small, incremental steps add up to big changes.
To help you with this, I’ve designed a 21-Day Self-awareness Challenge. Every day, you will receive an email that will give you small steps that you can build on over 21 days, with me as your silent accountability partner.
It’s completely free to participate in the challenge and it’s a simple, enjoyable way to start to build this critical skill of self-awareness
To sign up, just click here to sign up for the 21-day challenge to build your self-awareness.
Other tools to help you build your self-awareness
You can also read about using self-observation to build your self-awareness in a previous article here.
If you want more information on how coaching a powerful tool to help build self-awareness, here’s an article on that topic.
